Average weekday morning.

Phone Call Number 1.

Me: Good morning builder-who-shall-remain-unnamed. Just wanted to check in and see if we have made any progress towards starting repairs...

I haven't heard anything - maybe you should try calling Fletchers directly and see if you can get them to assign the job to me.

Me: Okay, so I'm asking them to appoint you as supervisor?

Yeah.

Me: Okay. Will do. Speak to you soon.


Phone Call Number 2.

Welcome to Fletchers, this is Sing-Song-Telephone-Operator-Voice

Me: Hi, I wanted to speak to someone about beginning repairs on our house and appointing our own contractor.

Did you want to opt out of the scheme?

Me: No, I wanted - ...

I'm sorry, but repairs will not be beginning for some weeks in your area, someone will get in touch with you directly at a later date, goodbye.

Dial tone.

Phone Call Number 3:

Welcome to Fletchers, this is Abrupt-It's-Only-9am-And-I-Want-To-Go-Home

Me: Hi, I wanted to speak to someone about electing our own EQR approved contractor to project manage our repair work.

You mean you want to opt out?

Me: No, I want to elect our own contractor to manage the repairs.

I'm sorry, you can't do that.

Me: But it says right here I can do that...

I'm sorry, I will have to get someone to call you back [takes contact details].


Phone Call Number 4.

[waits 7 minutes on hold listening to repeated messages of other numbers I can call for help - none of which are applicable to me]

Hello Earthquake Commission, you're speaking with Student-JobSearch-Kid-Who-Has-No-Idea-And-Doesn't-Care, can I have your claim number? [looks me up in the system, asks my address and verifies I am the homeowner]

Me: I was just trying to get an idea of what is happening with the land part of our claim, and when we will be able to move back to our house?

One moment please

[waits 2 minutes on hold - stupid music that sounds like my one-year-old son on a xylophone]
Hello, you're speaking with Very-Busy-Why-Do-Those-Idiots-On-The-Front-Desk-Keep-Transferring-Calls-To-Me.

Me: Oh hi, I was just trying to see where the land part of my claim is at?

Can I have your claim number? [looks me up in the system, asks my address and verifies that I am the homeowner] Okay....[taps at keyboard]....hmmm...the engineer's report is here...[taps at keyboard]...hmm. We seem to have all the documentation...I'm going to have to transfer you to another department.

[on hold - same stupid music]

Hello you're speaking with Someone-Obviously-In-Brisbane-Australia-But-Let's-Pretend-I-Am-Right-There-In-New-Zealand-And-Have-Some-Understanding-Of-What-You're-Going-Through.

Me: Hi? I just got transferred to you regarding my land claim?

What's your claim number? [looks me up in the system, asks my address and verifies I am the homeowner] Okay. We aren't currently processing land claims - we are concentrating on house claims and repairs and will be looking at land claims at a later date.

Me: Right.

Anything else I can help you with?

[dial tone]